Having had looked through my old and old, old sketches again, I've been able to reflect upon myself as an artist of some kind. I think I finally understand how I've progressed. I know it's not uncommon to find artist skim through their "past life," but I feel like all these old, random pencil on paper finally mean something. It's almost like putting the puzzle together, or more so it's like a window into your life from a third person's view. I like it. It's interesting.

From what I've discovered, after I was introduced to anatomy from a technical standpoint, my artwork started to improve by a very short amount of time. Things that I thought I had drawn in 2008 where actually sketches from 2007 and I realize that everything from late 07' to 08' where hard based on technical anatomy drawings. Around late 08', I was able to draw men! Manly men! Men with fucking muscles! Which is crazy because I could never do that before without making them look like women, but sadly enough, I ran out of pages in my large sketch book. On the last page, it's half filled with small jester drawings. To be honest, I don't really remember the kinds of things I drew after that page. Memories of me doing any kind of artwork after that is kind of a blur.

I do know that after a while, (early 2009) I became frustrated with my anatomy which now that I reflect upon it, I don't really know why I had felt that way at the time. I also remember that once I had started to improve with my anatomy, for some reason, I could never put clothing on the people that I drew. Figure drawing was what I kept too for along time, until maybe recently, (mid 2009) I started to change that.

It bothers me though, when I think about it. It bothers me that I had stopped drawing and went on some kind of a break because if I had just keep going, just kept sketching no matter how much my artwork bothered me. No matter how much I "sucked." I know I would be better at it right now and my shit wasn't even bad at the time. In a way, it's better then the stuff that I'm doing right now. I was just being a selfish bitch who for some reason, thought she couldn't draw for jack. I don't even think my "break" was that long. Maybe ten months. Okay, I lied. That's a fucking long time, but I've been getting back on my grind.

So, what's the whole point in this journal entry anyway, other then me ranting on about how much I hate myself for taking that ten month break? For one, it makes me feel better about myself and two, everyone whose read this journal entry up to this point, really. Do yourself a favor and don't ever go on a "break." Don't make excuses and call it an, "artist block" because I don't believe in that shit. Don't call it, "lack of inspiration" because I don't believe in that shit either and please don't make other excuses like, "having the wrong material/media" because that's the shit I really don't believe. Make use of what you have and do it well. Not because you want a pretty picture, or you're trying to, "express yourself." Do that shit because you like to and don't ever let yourself tell you other wise.

Last thing I'd like to share before everyone starts throwing cans at me for telling you not to do artwork to express yourself. It took me my current life span to get to where I'm at today, which by some standards is great and by other standards is bad, but either way, my whole life span to get here. It takes only a few months, a couple of years to lose that skill and remember when you die you die. You only have so long to improve your work. If death doesn't get you motivated, I don't know what will. lol I'm only capable of tough love. Throw cans at me now if you'd like.